Careers I Wouldn't Want Part I

So I was listening to a Chicago morning radio show as I dropped my son off at school this morning when I heard something...disturbing.

Before I get into what that disturbing something was, I'll have you know that it got me thinking. The gears were turning and I thought it would make a great regular feature of my blog. I have decided that when I discover an odd or quirky job that seems off-the-wall, I will write about it in a multiple-part series I'm currently calling "Careers I Wouldn't Want."

Now, if you're a sharp one, Sally, you've probably guessed by now that the disturbing something I heard this morning was a career I wouldn't want. (So kudos to you. Pass go, collect 200 fake dollars. Just don't try to pay your rent with it...your landlord probably wouldn't see the humor.)

Are you tingling in anticipation yet? Do you want to know what the first career of the series is?

Wait for it...

(It's worth it, I promise.)

...the first Career I Wouldn't Want is...

Bikini Area Bedazzler.

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. There is someone out there making a living out of applying rhinestones to newly waxed hoo-has.

Now, I thought that bedazzled belts, hats, and doilies were pretty bad. And up until this point, I figured that the Bedazzler tool had bedazzled everything it possibly could. But, necessity is the mother of invention, and apparently someone found it necessary to dress up her nu-nu with a little bling. And voila! A new career was born.

Now I assume that a Bedazzler tool is not involved in the process and that the rhinestones are not permanent, so my choice to avoid this career at all possible costs has nothing to do with my fear of blood or piercing someone else's skin.

The true fear lies in having to explain what I do for a living. I understand that salon technicians work in a very specialized and demanding field. (Believe me, I appreciate their hard work. When they succeed in making this stress-filled, single mom look like a super model, I realize that they've got their work cut out for them.) However, at what point after all of that training and specializing, does one decide that he or she will take on the task of applying jewels to private parts?

More important, how do you put that on your resume?

I imagine it would look something like this:

Experience:

Beauty World Salon and Day Spa
Wax Technician
-Performed body waxing on clients with precision and care.
-Specialized in: Upper lips, under arms, and bikini area
-Used creativity and a (very) steady hand in order to adorn the bikini area to resemble a Fabergé egg.

But I imagine that resumes aren't the most embarrassing places to divulge the fact that you have bedazzled hoo-hoos for a living.

I would assume that social events, where a common question is: "And what do you do?" would take that embarrassment to a whole new level. "Well, Sally, when I'm not plucking eyebrows, or demonstrating make-up techniques, I'm bejeweling crotches."

I suppose, since this service is offered, there are clients that must appreciate it. In my opinion, you can achieve the same effect with a swanky new pair of glittery panties, but that may not be enough for some. I guess I get it.

And I don't want to offend the bikini area bedazzlers out there. Yes, I think the whole idea is silly, but hey, I'm the one still searching for a job while you're out there making bank.

I'm just saying this is one career I simply wouldn't want.

As for the procedure itself...I wouldn't want that either.

I'd rather have a bedazzled flowerpot or oven mitt than a bedazzled nu-nu.